Today I started off going to meet my disability adviser at the student services expecting a normal interview and a chance to start off with my placement made approved. Instead I discover that the concession that I needed is not going to be approved for this academic year. Instead they have told me to intercalate and wait until next year and take a place on the course on the next academic year to study environmental science. That will mean that I will have to move back to Hornchurch and take a year doing remedial maths and science for the year ahead. I didn’t want to really continue with this and carry on studying natural sciences anyway. So I told them about my back up plan to reapply to another course and study electronic engineering and computer science at Essex. So I decided to go ahead with the withdrawal and make plans for a new change of scene and field.
I’m actually glad that I have a chance to make a change like this. However it hasn’t affected my finance. I still have a few days short of the deadline where I can make a withdrawal and not pay for the year or the term as it comes. So I won’t have Student Finance England biting my hand for refusing to take a course. Instead I will reapply for the engineering course at Essex with a new application. While I am slightly annoyed at this I did tell my mother about my situation and I am glad to say that I will be making a quick exit this week with immediate effect. My mum and sister are coming up here for a tour tomorrow and I will be going home on Thursday.
This isn’t the first time I have screwed up my education and my career plans. I started the Open University studying a collection of courses with now proper set plan. I just cherry picked whatever appeased me. At one time I was planning on doing a maths and a physics modules at the same time. I hadn’t realised that my maths was too rusty for the courses and that my understanding of physics wasn’t properly grounded in the previous science modules that I took. I had to withdraw from them and do an entirely different maths module all over again from scratch. God what the hell was I thinking! It didn’t even help when I came back to the physics module again when I suffered a bout of problems at home that got in the way of my learning. I have a reputation for being too stubborn to give in. It’s a quality that I carry very well and makes me determined.
But it often reminds me not to give into failure. Failure is not defeat and so I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I am one of many failures and if you continue to fail then you know how many things you tried so new.